Many said many things about grief. But just like love,friendship and fear its a feeling. You dont know it unless it creeps into your soul. It will make you bow. Each time you try to erase the memories which causes it, it will get strengthened. Try to ignore it, you still remember it. Then slowly you will see the cause of it around you, in day to day life. Suddenly you will develop a feeling that the whole world decided to remind the cause of it. You will get a doubt that, is the world mocking at me, i thought nobody knows about, how come the world knew it?
Finally I realized at the back of my mind that I cant keep on running from the memories. I had to surrender. I started to allow the grief to get sunk in my soul. The more in drowned in my heart the more I see the cause of it. And the reminder of the cause makes me restless. I become silent. Somehow I started enjoying it. I find the urge to talk about it with someone, but I had to get the control.
Its easy to beat a logic with emotion. But its damn hard to beat emotion with logic. We knew that the audience wont kill us if we made a mistake but still we get scared of being on stage. Its always hard to control an emotion. Blood pressure will rise when you are in emotion, especially a very powerful emotion, something like grief or a shock or fear. We feel the pressure at the heart. Its as if the blood is getting accumulated there. The chest area becomes heavy and we find it hard to breath. The funniest part is, this blood pressure made us to think that we feel with the heart and think with the mind. When we are sad, a deep sorrow, our body follows some mechanism which made the BP to go high, its just that. We feel and think in the mind. Heart does not contain any feelings except blood.
There are two affects of grief. One: you become silent, unresponsive for a period of time. You feel like something gripped your body so hard taht it become numb. Numbness is not a pleasure to enjoy all the time. Its a discomfort which makes the body senceless for sometime. The initial period is like that. You dont feel anything from outside, numbness makes the physical part to disfunction for sometime, grief has the same affect on your soul. You cant enjoy simple things in life, you get angry for simple reasons and the worst thing is you cant control your anger. Whenever you got hold of the emotion you become another person, you ignore the suggestions and warnings from your logical mind. You feel what you feel and what you do is the right thing to do at that time. When the emotion fades away and when the emotional and logical parts got the equilibrium you shall have the proper judgment.In this whole period grief is at the surface, its the garbage which blocks the way of rays of hope and happiness from the outside world to the bottom of your soul. The outside world would see the dirty surface and start judging you. Well, you cant blame, we usually believe what we see.
After this initial stage, slowly logical part will try to take hold of you, but still the emotional one is powerful. At this stage, we cant suppress our anger completely but we can choose on whom we can dump it. As a social person, I cant shout at people who are my acquitance and not-so-close friends. So we direct all the anger on the loved ones, thinking and feeling that they will understand our emotions and they can bare it.
For first few times it's okey for them. After that they will start thinking that, why the hell he is only angry at me? Does he love me any more? Why am i the scapegoat always, I love him, it doesnot mean them he can shout at me...I think we lost the connection between us. And the others will start revolting against you, and you will be confused and you will start getting the same doubt. I love them and I thought they loved me, cant they bare when i am mess?? Are they really the people I loved and believed? Does love means be with the person if and only if they are not-sad??. We cant blame them because we never did explain them what exactly happened.
Their revolt will add more grief. After being with it for a long time, I got boredom. I realized that I had to move on. I indulged myself into new hobbies, just keep my mind busy. I started enjoying the rock music with full sound. I keep the volume so high, hoping that the invisible sound waves from the speakers or from the earphones will clean my mind and soul. I started to pull my self, I started calling friends who I ignored in the initial stage. I dont want to be alone, I got an urge to speak to a good listener. Who listens me and keep me talking without giving me some advise or correcting me in the middle. I realized how much irritating when someone inturrepts when you are talking emotionally.
I did not find any. My relationships with the lost ones were not healed yet. Again I started thinking from others point of view and started hating myself for directing my anger on them. But i started living again.To keep the emotion part alive, I always need food for my mind . I would call this process, Moving!!! The dirty part from the surface is still going down, contaminating the whole emotional thing.
Now I become a sensible and logical human being again. But this time I am strong regarding handling emotions and more logical. My past relations are healing up. The dirty part settled at the bottom. Covering considerable area of bottom from outside light. The onlookers cant see it, only who dive in the lake may observe it. But I put up danger signs at the shore.
But anything which reminds me the cause of the grief, I will go back to stage one for some time. I tried to sink it further, so that it will be part of my life i.e everyday life and I need not respond to it emotionally.
As they say, everything happens for good, I learned a new lesson which i think and feel good. The lesson is you cant be logical to the people you love. You are emotional. You cant hide emotions from them. You cant deal with them just like you did with the collegue or acquittance. If you could do it....then the people around you are always happy.
